Technically, if you go by the dictionary definition, anyone who has children is a breeder. But we prefer to not insult people who take the job of parenting seriously by lumping them in with people who don’t. So we consider that there are two kinds of people with kids: Parents (responsible people) and Breeders (irresponsible people). Sometimes you’ll see abbreviations like PNB (Parent not breeder) and BNP (Breeder not parent).
You Might be a Breeder if…
(You aren’t necessarily a breeder if you fit one or more of these, but the more you fit, the higher the chance of being one.)
** If you went to college to get a “Mrs.” degree and now you’re just a housewife.
** If you ever went online to beg for money and used your kids as an excuse as to why you “can’t” get a job.
** If you had kids so you’d have an excuse not to have to work.
** The idea of teaching your kids right and wrong and accepting responsibility for their actions is a foreign concept. (thanks to Stefanie from Boston, for this contribution)
** You give your child some trendy, soap-opera-based name or a traditional name with absurd spelling (i.e. Katie becomes Kadee, Cadey). (thanks to Kate M., Toronto, for this contribution)
** You feel threatened by the Childfree movement.
** You think strollers should be allowed everywhere.
** You have ever used the phrase “my baby daddy”.
** You “unschool” your child(ren).
** You have ever let a child die in your car because you “forgot” about it in a hot car.
** You spend more time online than you spend with your kids.
** You think you need software to protect your kids from porn on the net because you don’t want to waste time actually monitoring what they do on the net.
** You bitch about how inappropriate television shows are, and yet you are too lazy to use any of the parental controls available to lock out certain channels. Digital cable boxes, TVs, and even TiVos come with parental controls. USE THEM. Or get rid of the TV (or at least cable). Or monitor what your kids watch and don’t leave them alone with the TV. Or lock it up in a cabinet that they can’t get to unless you unlock it for them.
** You feel that any criticism of any parents or children is a specific attack against you personally.
** If you insist on talking about your kids with someone even after they told you they are not interested.
** There was ever a time when you weren’t sure who was the father of your baby.
** You had a baby because you thought it would be a cute science experiment (“a little bit of me + a little bit of spouse = let’s see what happens! tee hee”).
** You let your child make all the decisions in life, because you actually think that children are smart enough to make adult decisions. GROW UP.
** You feel that a woman’s role is to be a mother, and you need a child to give you an identity.
** You have no identity outside your reproductive status, which is obvious from your online screen names such as: Momof4, Kayleesmommy, bigmomma, etc. Let me give you a hint – if you are in a parenting community, everyone already knows you are a mother, so you don’t have to announce the fact in your screen name. If you aren’t in a parenting community, your status as a parent doesn’t matter and no one cares, so you don’t need to announce it in your screen name.
** Your email or community signature mentions your child(ren) and/or EDD (estimated due date).
** You can’t come up with a more intelligent reason for giving birth (or knocking someone up), other than “I wanted to prove my love to my spouse!”
** You ever joined a CF club or community and flamed them.
** You have ever said, “I have childfree friends and they aren’t assholes like you!” (Um, maybe they are just too polite to tell you what they really think. Ever considered that?!)
** You show their blatant disregard for your children’s future by contributing to overpopulation.
** You insist there is no such thing as overpopulation.
** You have ever complained about overcrowding in schools and still think childfree people are selfish. Here’s a clue: If we were having kids, there would be even MORE overcrowding in schools. So you should be thanking us for not contributing to overcrowding in schools!
** You refuse to even think about adoption, because children up for adoption aren’t “perfect” and aren’t your own DNA.
** You have ever assumed someone is a parent.
** You have ever assumed someone isn’t a parent because they criticized a child or parent.
** If you ever had a shitfit because someone was having a childfree wedding (or other party) and you were furious your child wasn’t invited. Double points if you ever tried to take your kid to a childfree wedding knowing they weren’t invited.
** You have ever sent ultra sound photos to non family members. Guess what? Only close family members really care about those things! In fact, some of them don’t even care.
** If you ever whined about how totally broke you are, and yet you just HAD to have an unnecessary and expensive 3D/4D ultrasound. Funny, how you can never come up with the rent money, but you have money to blow on that shit.
** You buy your children anything they point at, because, after all, you want them to have everything you didn’t have. You can’t comprehend how spoiling them could ever hurt them.
** You believe that every child is a “miracle”, regardless of the fact that any cat in heat can also produce numerous “miracles”. As one person told me: “Who would have thought that in 2001 a person’s fertility would be a badge of honor?” Helen M., Knoxville
** You claim no form of birth control will work for you, have all kinds of excuses about why your birth control continues to fail, or claim that birth control is against your religion.
** You are or ever have been on public assistance to feed your children, and yet you still find money to buy cigarettes and/or beer.
** You believe that abortion and selective reduction are against your religion, but fertility treatments aren’t (so much for the “Will of God”).
** You use your religion to try to coerce other people into having children, or use your religion to condemn Childfree people.
** You suffer from the “martyr syndrome”. You want everyone within earshot to know how much of a “sacrifice” you are making for the “good” of your child(ren).
** You actually believe that parenting is the “most important job in the world”.
** You have more children than you can afford and expect all the government aid you can get. You insist that you deserve a child tax credit, and WIC, welfare, free health care, food stamps, etc., because having children is expensive! (Maybe you should have thought of that before you had them??). You also think that CF people should be paying more in taxes to make your life easier, since the CF aren’t doing anything worthy, anyway.
** You take your children into non-G rated movies (and other child inappropriate places) because you don’t want to be bothered with a baby-sitter.
** You take your children into non-G rated movies (and other child inappropriate places) because your kids are such demons that NO ONE will baby-sit for you.
** You have ever taken a small child into a non-G rated movie and then complained that it was too violent/sexy/etc. for your child to see.
** You can’t understand what movie (or TV or video game) ratings mean.
** You feel that any cartoon is appropriate for your child to watch.
** You believe it is acceptable to bring a non-potty trained child into a pool, even if that is a threat of e coli for everyone else (including other people’s children) in the pool.
** You defend your child(ren)’s behavior no matter what, often with the phrase, “He’s only a CHILD”. You will take your child’s word over anyone else’s, believe your child tells no lies, and will claim your child never does anything wrong. You are the kind of person who will sue someone else for something that happened to your child(ren), no matter how much your own actions, or your child’s actions, contributed to the situation.
** You object to having to pay for damages your child is responsible for, because, after all, children can’t help it, right? People who make you pay for replacing the carpet your child spilled Kool-aid all over are just evil child haters, right?
** You refuse to teach your children about personal responsibility. As an example, you take your unruly children into public, let them make a huge mess, and won’t clean it up because you think that is what janitors are for.
** You believe your child(ren) will find the cure for cancer or some other such miracle. (More “cures for cancer” end up in prison than making some huge difference to the world).
** You expect every conversation to revolve around child(ren) or pregnancy, since you have nothing else in your life.
** If you think that your child is somehow exempt from spreading germs and insist on dragging them to public places, friends and relatives houses with no regard for other people’s health.
You might also want to check out the wrong reasons for having children.
You might also want to check out the 15 Ways To Ruin Your Child.
You Might Be a Breeder if… inspired by Comedian Jeff Foxworthy
15 Ways To Ruin Your Child and Your Life is from the book “The Epidemic” by Robert Shaw, M.D.