An Infertile Raped My Ear

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Is there anyone more annoying than infertiles? Okay, screaming, misbehaving kids in every public place we go these days are certainly more annoying. But infertiles are high up on the list of annoying people. I’ve never known anyone who whined more than infertiles!

A couple of years ago someone pointed me to an infertile blogger for some reason. I subscribed to the RSS feed and occasionally read her posts. She sounded fairly intelligent (which is more than I can say about most infertile bloggers) but she is an eternal whiner. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t whine about! Everyone on the planet hurt her little feelings.

– She’d whine about HOW DARE her relatives or in-laws get pregnant, knowing she so desperately wanted a baby and couldn’t get pregnant. Didn’t they know it would upset her?!!?! How dare they talk about their pregnancies around her!
– She’d whine about how she and her husband both had all kinds of ugly genetic diseases in their families that, if they ever did manage to have a baby, zomg, it might not be perfectly healthy, and she wanted a perfectly healthy baby of her own DNA, damn it!!
– She’d whine about other infertiles who were “lapping” her (having their second kid in fewer years than she’d been trying).
– She’d whine that people who were pregnant would complain about pregnancy and how fucking inconsiderate were they were to not appreciate that they COULD have a baby.
– And of course she hated the childfree because how dare we take our fertility for granted! She felt that we should be the ones cursed with infertility. (Although it wouldn’t be a curse then, would it?)

Of course, I never told her that I believe if you can’t have biological kids naturally, that’s nature’s way of saying your crappy genes should not be reproduced. But I really, really wanted to! (And hey, go ahead and tell me that maybe childfree folks not wanting to reproduce is nature’s way of saying our genes should not be reproduced either. I don’t care. Even if my genes were the fittest they aren’t being reproduced, so it doesn’t matter either way. But if I really wanted to argue with you, I’d point out that making a conscious decision is not the same thing as nature handing you a physical condition trying to keep you out of the gene pool!)

One day last week I was in a waiting area and had the misfortune of being seated next to some dumb cow (I know that’s harsh, but you’ll agree with me in a minute) who wanted to spend her half-hour wait whining about her infertility problems. To strangers. She struck up a conversation with the woman next to her who she clearly had never met before and who was not a fellow infertile. While the victim tried to appear sympathetic, I got the impression she really didn’t care. During the infertile monologue, I couldn’t help but think of comedian Ron White who once said, “This guy told me his entire life story against my will. This guy raped my ear. This guy forcefully shoved unwanted information into my earhole.” That’s how this infertile made me feel!

I have no problems getting pregnant – I can do that any day of the week! I just can’t stay pregnant! You just don’t know how difficult it is, having miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage! I’ve had like twelve already. The doctors say (something about being unable to fix her crappy uterus) but I’ll just keep trying and see if maybe one will stick!

She wouldn’t shut up! Then she started going into the gory details, so I whipped out my headphones to drown out her mooing! All I could think was that she must thrive on martyrdom and sympathy or why else would she put herself through this? And why would she have to tell random strangers about it?! From what I heard before I drowned it out, she won’t be able to carry a baby, but she insists on repeatedly “trying” to see if maybe this time the doctors are wrong, and who would really do that to themselves? Really? That’s like stabbing yourself every day to see if maybe this time it won’t bleed. What a fool this woman is! Even IF I could understand the desperate need to have a kid (I’m trying) if the doctors have told you that your uterus won’t do it, TRY SOMETHING ELSE!

Hell, where is the pro-life movement now? This woman is intentionally creating people that she knows WILL BE ABORTED and they don’t have a problem with it? Or do they just think it’s GOD’S WILL that she continue to do this so she’ll have a sob story to tell everyone and an excuse to not go out and get a job like other grown-ups?! “Oh, I can’t work. I might miscarry!” Bitch, you’re gonna miscarry anyway! The doctor’s told you so!

Then yesterday I was reading an amusing (but somewhat horrifying) article online about how miserable pregnancy is, and some infertile had to throw in her sarcastic whine in the comments section. Something along the lines of, “Well, don’t ever be infertile and then whine when you’re pregnant or how the baby keeps you up at night, as everyone will throw in your face that ‘you wanted this!!’

!!!!!!!

Even when they get pregnant and have a baby, they are STILL whining!!! And they are whining about other people getting fed up with their incessant whining!!

Listen, if you so desperately want a baby that you go to any length to have one, you don’t really have an excuse to later complain if it’s not all worth it! You just don’t! If it sucks that bad, WHY did you go through all that? Why didn’t you just adopt to avoid pregnancy and that first year when the kid won’t sleep through the night? It’s bad enough when non-infertiles whine about their pregnancies and their kids, but when infertiles do it, it just seems that much more ridiculous. Don’t go through all that if you won’t enjoy it!

Honestly, is there anything they won’t whine about?

The moral of this story is, clearly, avoid infertile blogs but more importantly, carry headphones with you wherever you go so you can not be ear raped by infertiles. Just a tip.

Proper Way to Maintain a Friendship

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Remember the time I talked about how mommies make bad friends? Here’s a perfect example:”Can Friendships Derail When Babies Come On Board?”

Basically, it is about “Joanne”(non-mom) and “Michelle” (mommy) and their friendship. Joanne doesn’t have kids but has a busy career instead. When her old college friends had their first babies, she sent them all gifts and cards and congratulated them, you know, everything you’re “supposed” to do. But these friends have gone on to have more babies since then, and she’s sort of tuned it all out like background noise, since it’s not all that exciting after the first one. Her excuse is that she wanted to do more, but she’s just been “too busy”, but my take is that after the first kid, the rest of us shouldn’t have to keep shelling out money to celebrate their life choices; it gets to be too much! (One might even argue that she went above and beyond by celebrating their first babies since they would never be doing the same for her!) As far as I’m concerned in the situation of subsequent babies, an email or card of congratulations is in order for subsequent kids, but that’s enough.

As the article explains, one of Joanne’s friends, Michelle, got her nose all out of joint about Joanne not fawning over the recent birth of her latest kid, and wrote an email to her saying: “Sorry to sound pathetic, but have I done something to offend you?” as well as updating her facebook status to additionally whine, “Is it still possible to remain friends with someone whom you have very little in common? I thought it was.” Clearly, Michelle is a game-player.

If she was truly interested in renewing the friendship she would have approached this in a completely different way. Basically, this situation could have been approached in a few different ways such as:

  1. “Hey! I haven’t heard from you in a while! I bet you’re really busy! How are you doing? I miss you and thought we should catch up. What’s going on in your life? How’s your husband? How’s your job? (asking about other details of Joanne’s life). This is what we’ve been up to, although it might not sound all that exciting to you! (details of Michelle’s life).”
  2. “Hey Joanne, maybe I’m being a baby about this, but I’m really hurt you didn’t send a gift or a card when MicKynzeee was born! It was a really big event in my life and I felt hurt that you didn’t acknowledge it. Is that lame? Miss you!”
  3. “Sorry to sound pathetic, but have I done something to offend you?”
  4. “Fuck you, bitch! I don’t want to be friends with you, either! Go to hell!”

I arranged these in order from most mature to least mature. You can see where Michelle falls on this list.

The first, the most mature response, acknowledges that we all get really busy in this life, and that it’s easy to see an email in your inbox, be too busy to reply just then, and forget about it later when it’s no longer highlighted as a “new” message. It also goes on to let the recipient know that you miss and value the friendship, as well express interest in the recipient’s life before delving into talking about your own. Even if you write ten paragraphs talking about your own life (and let’s face it, that’s mostly what you’ll have to talk about if you haven’t heard from them lately) it’s okay as long as you’ve expressed interest in their life. This mature response would not be coupled with a whining Facebook post. Hell, one doesn’t even need Psych 101 class to know this is the best way to handle such a situation!

The second one is pretty self-centered, but at least it is a clear attempt at communicating and letting the person know your feelings are hurt. This way, you’re not making the person guess about your feelings nor are you passive-aggressively hinting about your hurt feelings. Being upfront is a good thing.

The third approach is just game playing. She doesn’t even give the reader a clue as to what she’s talking about! Maybe Joanne had forgot that she forgot to acknowledge the latest kid’s birth. So now she’s left guessing what Michelle’s problem is. Parents today love to tell their kids to “use your words” but then you get parents like this who can’t even “use their words!” If you have something to say, Michelle, SAY IT. Is anyone else worried about people this immature and childish raising the next generation? They don’t have the maturity to handle adult relationships, so how can they possibly teach maturity to their kids? Answer: they can’t.

And the fourth is just, well, ridiculous, but I threw it in there to show there are even worse ways to handle the situation than Michelle did.

If I were Joanne, I don’t know that I’d want to retain a friendship with a gal like this! She clearly isn’t expressing interest in Joanne’s life. As far as I can tell, the only reason Michelle is mad is that she didn’t get a baby gift and she’s hoping to guilt Joanne into sending one belatedly. That’s true friendship right there. /sarcasm.

Listen people: Friendship is a two-way street. With any friendship, even if it was Joanne’s “turn” to hit reply and send a message, that doesn’t mean Michelle can’t go out-of-turn and email Joanne again! I email or call out-of-turn all the time! Some people might think I’m a pest, but more likely I think they are sure that their friendship means a lot to me, or I wouldn’t keep trying. (And usually the reason they haven’t called or emailed is just that they were busy or had nothing new to add, not that they were “mad” at me or intentionally ignoring me and hoping I’d get a clue and go away! I’m mature enough to realize that.)

As far as it goes with friendships with mothers, we childfree do have a difficult time knowing what to say. Here Joanne explains it best:

These conversations revolve around the pregnancy, the childbirth, the baby, the development of the kid – all milestones to get excited about! Though, in turn, I feel like I don’t have news that can compete with all this newness. More confusing to navigate are the tedious details surrounding these events. Nursing problems, stroller contraptions, applying to pre-schools, dealing with napping “schedules,” interviewing babysitters – there’s really no material for discussion there for me. Could we gab about Taylor Swift’s horrendous performance at the Grammys, boys, or our career angst instead? I have no doubt that my life – long work days, freelance projects, wine-fueled date nights out with my husband, concerts, weekend getaways – is equally foreign to them these days. To top it off, our schedules are at odds: they’re more available during the day while I’m freer late-night.

It’s very true. I don’t have much to contribute to potty-training stories and I don’t really want to hear them. I don’t really care about baby-sitter angst. I don’t even want to imagine what “nursing problems” someone could have. Luckily for parents, there are many, many people out there they can discuss those issues with. Just not me. That doesn’t make me a bad friend for not wanting to know every detail of their parenting life. I just have no frame of reference so I can’t relate to those issues. Likewise, I won’t bore you with stories about my cats if you’re not a cat person, books I’m reading if you’re not a reader, or PHP problems I’m having if you are not a web designer. Fair enough?

One of the commenters to that article had this to say about the difficulty of maintaining friendships with mommies:

In my experience, as a singleton, lots of marrieds either expect you to completely change your schedule to accomodate them/their kids (we live a hour’s drive apart, but I ALWAYS have to go out there to see you despite the fact that I have a F/T job, a P/T job, AND am in grad school…you can’t meet me half-way?) or they want to bring their kids EVERYWHERE (you have a hubby and in-laws who live two houses down, can’t they watch the kids for two hours while you get coffee w/ me and catch up?). Honestly, I gave up on all but two of my married friends who have kids simply b/c of the above. Now that most of their kids are in school, we’re reconnecting.

It’s depressing, but I pretty much write people off when they have kids. I try for a little bit, but if I don’t feel they’re trying in return, then I just let go of the friendship.

And that’s a lot of what I was talking about when I wrote that piece on mommies making bad friends six years ago. So many women, once having children, expect us to make all the effort and sacrifice and if we don’t, then we’re not being supportive enough of them! Remember this next time someone says that the childfree are the selfish ones.

I’ve found, and you probably have too, that friendships with mothers only work if I have some hobby or interest in common. One of my bestest friends from childhood and I are still friends, even though we live so far apart and have completely different lives. That’s because we are still both avid readers and love science documentaries and articles. So when we talk, we discuss books we’ve recently read or documentaries we’ve recently seen, or science magazines we’ve read. We don’t talk so much about her children or my childfreedom or our jobs which are very different and don’t make for interesting conversation. The thing I love most about her is that while the kids are a VERY big part of her life, she knows that I can’t relate and doesn’t even try to make it a big part of our conversation.

Friendships do grow and change and sometimes they grow apart. If you have nothing in common anymore, it’s probably best to let the friendship go. Meanwhile, if you ever get an email like the one Joanne did, that’s a clear indication of a friend you don’t want to hang on to. If your friendship feels entirely one-sided, don’t bother. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t let people get away with treating you shabbily. Don’t let people get away with using you for free baby gifts. You only live this life once, so make the most of it and surround yourself with people who care about you as much as you care about them and forget the rest.

Thank you to the person who pointed me to The Frisky. You’re my new best friend because there is so much material for me over there I’ll never run out!

Weird Family Decals

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I’m not so much for decorating my car, so I don’t exactly understand why other people do. I mean, if I have to be bored in traffic, I think everyone else should be, too! I’m not going to provide you people with free entertainment while driving. Apparently that’s what your cell phones are for!

I think the weirdest thing people do is put those family decals on their cars, but apparently it’s the latest fad since yellow ribbon magnets went out of style. Who said people didn’t have children as some kind of fashion accessories? Now they are not only fashion accessories everywhere mommy goes, but fashion accessories for her mini-van or SUV, too!

Usually these dumb decals show Dad, Mom, two soccer kids and a baby, plus maybe a dog and/or a cat. So a family decal I saw on a car recently really cracked me up at it’s absurdity. It looked something like this:

Just in case you can’t see the image, it is a family decal depicting a dad, a mom, another dad, and two kids. We weren’t mistaken – the second dad wasn’t just a tall kid — it was the same image as the first dad, so apparently they were both adult males.

My husband and I have been speculating (and laughing) about what possible message this kooky family was supposed to be telling us. Maybe you can help me figure it out.

What do you think this supposed to mean?

  1. The two men in the decal were the two potential baby-daddies and this family can’t afford the DNA test (they had to spend all their money on back-to-school supplies and car decals!) and are still on the Mauryshow waiting list.)
  2. The first dad is the first kid’s father, and the second dad is the second kid’s father, but someone’s feelings might have been hurt if their dad’s picture wasn’t part of the family decal.
  3. This is one of those reverse-Mormon families, where the gal has two “husbands” (They’re trying out for a new show called Brother Husbands!) and the three of them are raising a couple of kids that, hopefully, belong to one or more of the adults involved.
  4. The second “dad” is their adult son that still lives on their sofa (and probably always will) and apparently they are proud of that.
  5. This decal depicts a Grandma and Grandpa with their grown son who still lives on their sofa (and probably always will) and his two children who visit one weekend a month, but no one wanted to hurt their feelings by not including them in the family decal.
  6. The first “dad” is Grandpa living with his daughter, her husband and their two kids. It’s like the final episode of King of Queens! (Oops, spoiler!)
  7. A gay couple, their two adopted kids and the “beard” that pretends to be the wife of one of them so that they don’t get kicked out of the Army.
  8. Someone just making a mockery of those stupid family decals.
  9. Something else entirely. (Share your interpretation with me. I’d love to hear it.)

You think that decal was weird? I’ve seen even weirder. I probably shouldn’t mention this, as it might creep you out a bit, but I once saw a window kinda like this:

If you can’t see this image, it’s two big fish and a whole bunch of little fish. No, it wasn’t the Duggar family. In this case, at least half of the little fish had halos over their heads. Apparently, this family is a death trap for children. Where are the pro-lifers now, huh?

So what the hell does this one mean?

  1. Co-sleepers.
  2. Cheap frequent flyers.
  3. People who “forget” their children in hot cars.
  4. Crappy drivers who keep getting into accidents and losing kids that way. (The person was driving pretty crappy.)
  5. Too much inbreeding and most of the kids were born with severe disabilities and didn’t make it. And these inbred hicks are PROUD of it, too!
  6. It’s a throwback to WWII when pilots would put the number of planes they shot down on the side of their plane. In this case, they mark the people they have run over with their car; halos mark the ones they got good!
  7. Obviously these are religious nuts, so maybe they were intentionally sending their babies to see Jesus. Some of those weird cults have weird ideas you know. Six down, three to go!
  8. Folks bragging about the number of abortions they’ve had to annoy pro-lifers and challenge the rest of us to catch up.
  9. Someone just making a mockery of those stupid family decals.
  10. Something else entirely. (Share your interpretation with me. I’d love to hear it.)

I’m SO tempted to start carrying a tube of bright red lipstick with me in case I ever see that particular car again so I can write “SERIAL KILLERS!!” on the back of it to alert the cops. Look, we have their signed confession on the back of their car! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? Obviously the cops aren’t pro-life or they’d be more concerned about this!

At this point, I’m thinking I want my own family decal on the back of my car and make it as ridiculous as possible just for fun, just to mock these damn decals. Any suggestions? I know you all are very creative!

New Baby Is Just Not Enough

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I absolutely cannot understand the instant gratification and never-satisfied attitudes of the current generation coming of age. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised — they are the same kids I have been complaining about for 15 years and they’ve grown into the very overgrown, spoiled brats I thought they would become. Still, I’d been holding out hope all along that I was wrong.

I’ve seen these kids open up their Christmas presents, getting all the loot they had demanded – a new xbox with all the accessories, $200 worth of games, a brand new cell phone with all the latest bells and whistles, and the newest, greatest iPod on the market – only to turn around 20 minutes later and whine, “Can we go shopping? I’m bored and I need new stuff.” I would be thinking, “Wait, you haven’t even finished playing with $1000 worth of loot you JUST got. How can you already be wanting something new?” Yet this is the prevailing attitude of this generation. “Give me what I want, when I want it and I’ll be bored with it right away, but so what? That’s my right!!

As if that isn’t bad enough, I’m seeing this trend of boredom with their own children. I’ve seen this a fair amount lately and it blows my mind: They will have a baby, and when it is just a few months old, they are already whining about how they need a NEW baby. Apparently this one they have isn’t good enough.

I suppose I could maybe understand if the child is now three years old and the mommy is missing the newborn stage and thinks it’s time for a second baby. Fine, I suppose I can see that happening. But what the fuck is wrong with these gals who look down at their newborn infant and say, “Eh, you’re not entertaining me enough. I’m ready for a new one already“?!!?!

To these parents I say: If the current newborn in your arms is not filling the hole inside you, here’s a clue: You need to find some other way to fill that hole! Don’t keep creating human beings trying to fix some mess going on in your head. Besides, if the first baby leaves you feeling empty, then maybe you’re just fucking empty. Another kid ain’t gonna fix it.

Dr Phil is a quack, but I love when he says, “No child should come into this world with a job,” he’s absolutely right. We’re all PEOPLE not just toys for some bimbo to use to entertain herself, to get sympathy, attention and to give her an excuse to not work or get an education or do anything with her life. If her entire life’s purpose is to create people as some kind of sick “get out of work free” card, someone needs to spay her like they would any other dumb animal in heat who pointlessly reproduces!

Honestly, I cannot understood these people who want more than two kids. I’m open minded enough to understand why some people might enjoy parenthood. I can sort of comprehend wanting a couple of kids. After that, what is going on in their heads? Are they thinking each additional kid will finally be the one they’ve been “shooting” for? What is wrong with the kids they already have that they can’t be satisfied with them? What do they think the third (or fourth, or eight or twentieth) kid will magically give them that they couldn’t find in the others?

But clearly, there is something not right about someone who sees their newborn as their entertainment and when it ceases to be entertaining after a short period of time, they think they need a new one, like a replacement for a broken toy. And if the first one didn’t entertain you enough that you already had to start working on the next one, what makes you think the second one will be entertaining enough?! And what makes these fools think that additional infants will make life ANY easier? It makes no logical sense at all. Of course, I’m assuming any of these people possess logic, which is unlikely.

I’ve come to believe these women have the mental capacity to see that far in the future. Many of them are just addicted to the pregnancy attention and not so much the motherhood part of the equation. They are bored with the infant because they have lots all the attention they got while pregnant. That’s why they need a new one so quickly. The rest are just “new shit” junkies because they’ve been spoiled their whole lives, and instead of enjoying what they already have, they constantly need something new to feel special and happy.

It’s sick and it’s twisted, and I don’t know why society tolerates this behavior from these crazy, irresponsible women. WHEN are we going to start talking about the fact that the emperor has no clothes and that something needs to be done about the WRONG people continuing to breed for the wrong reasons? WHEN?