Childfree Lingo

Because people were requesting I add some non-childfree but generic internet terms to this list, there is an additional glossary: Internet Acronyms and Terms. These are terms you’ll see on a most internet sites, not just childfree sites.

I realize some of these terms are mean. Just keep this in mind that the vast majority of childfree would never use these words in front of someone with children, or call a person these names to their face. If you don’t like these words, I suggest you don’t use them.

Baby Rabies — When someone is desperate to get pregnant and have a baby, we call them having “baby rabies”. Especially if they can’t talk about anything BUT pregnancy and babies.

Baby Dance — Breeder term for sex. In other words, they see sex as only useful for conceiving babies. Occasionally someone on a childfree board will mention they have a friend who can’t stop talking about baby-dancing.

Baby Stalking — This is when some parent comes up to you and is blatantly trying to get you to comment on their child. Often this is accompanied by a loud and/or sing-songy voice that is obviously for your benefit and not the child’s. It’s also usually accompanied by many looks at you with a big smile on their face. They are fishing for compliments. Don’t give in.

Bingo — See Breeder Bingo.

Bint — A British term meaning a woman with no class. Often used on Childfree boards to describe trashy breeder women.

BNP — Stands for “Breeder, Not Parent” Some people use the term BNP instead of “Breeder” because it sounds less insulting. It basically refers to a bad parent (in contrast to “PNB” – a good parent.)

Bovine — Another term for breeders. I personally use it to describe slack-jawed, slow-moving breeders – they move about the same speed as cattle.

Breeder — Refers to a crappy parent. We’d rather not lump all parents together and make even the good ones look bad. So when we encounter a crappy parent, we call them a “breeder” (the opposite is “parent”).

Breeder Bingo — Someone a few years ago made up a bingo card of stupid things breeders say to us, and when you get enough stupid sayings, you get a bingo! Now it just refers to any of the many, many stupid sayings breeders say to us. NOTE: Just because someone says these things doesn’t always mean they are a “breeder”.  Sometimes they just don’t understand.  But it’s still called “Breeder” Bingo in many cases to distinguish from regular Bingo.

Breeder Brain — Same thing as Placenta Brain.

Breeder Pleaser — Any person who really kisses up to people with kids, even the stupid ones. Usually refers to a childfree person, but really can be applied to anyone. I’m always *highly* suspicious of so-called childfree people who pretend like the only people who get Bingoed are the “rude” childfree folks who deserve it. Anyone who has been childfree more than a week knows that’s bullshit.

Breedermobile — Any vehicle that transports children around. Usually refers to a mini van or a monstrous SUV.

Breederville — Any city, town or subdivision that is predominantly full of people with kids. Places we would rather not live!

CBC or CFBC — see Childfree by Choice.

Child-burdened — Technically anyone with children, but more often used to describe the people who really seem to act like their children are a burden. Such as anyone who behaves as if they are jealous of the childfree.

Childfree — Anyone who has chosen not to have children, for whatever reason.

Childfree By Choice — also known as CFBC or CBC. Some people prefer that name to “Childfree” since many people who are not childfree in the strictest sense of the word call themselves “childfree”

Childless — Someone who wants children or is open to children but can’t have them or hasn’t had a chance to have them yet. The “I used to be childfree” people were “childless” not childfree, despite what they say. This also includes someone who had a child who died.

Childless By Choice — There is a difference between childless by choice and childfree by choice! A childless by choice person would be open to having children under different circumstances. A childfree person would not be. Some examples: 1) Someone who says, “I use birth control, and I’m not looking to have a baby but if I got pregnant, I’d have the baby.” 2) People who are infertile but not pursuing fertility treatments. Yet if they got pregnant by accident, they’d certainly embrace a child. 3) People who don’t believe in having a child out of wedlock but are having a hard time finding a spouse. If they ever marry, though, they’d be open to having a child. 4) People who end up with a childfree person and decide not to have children, but if their partner changed their mind, they’d love to have a child. 5) People with medical problems who would like children, but are afraid to pass on their medical problems, or are physically unable to care for a child due to their medical problems. But if a cure for their problem was discovered next year, they’d love to have a child.

Cre8tive — Term used to mock all the “creative” spellings people use on their kids’ names.

Cunts N’ Runts — I heard this term recently used to mean the OB/GYN department of a hospital and I love it. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s a hysterical term to use for mommies and their brats.

Diaperwhipped — Anyone who has become a total servant to their child. This applies to all those parents who let their children run the house and make all the decisions.

DINK — “Dual Incomes No Kids” is a term a lot of childfree people use to describe themselves. It’s also the name of a magazine.

Dud — Loser male breeder.

Duh — Slack-jawed, clueless male breeder.

Empty Nester — Someone who has kids but they are grown.

Entitlemoo — Entitlement-minded mother who thinks everyone should worship the ground she walks on and give her everything she wants and make her life as easy as possible because she’s convinced that giving birth earns her the right to be treated like a queen.

Fence Sitter (or Fencesitter) — Someone who is not yet sure if they want kids or not.

Fencesitter Relationship — A relationship where one party wants children and they other doesn’t. Sometimes these relationships started when they were in agreement, but one party changed their minds.

Freaklitter — When someone has a huge number of babies in one pregnancy, due to fertility treatments. Usually the kids end up with health problems.

Fuck Trophy — When someone has children to prove they had sex or that their “boys” can swim. These people are easy to identify – they usually say bingo like, “You’re not childfree! You just can’t find anyone to fuck you!”

Fuctuplets — Birth of multiples where kids come out with health problems. Can be anywhere from triplets to octuplets.

Golden Boy — This is the son born to some sexist jerk who thinks he MUST have a son, and no daughter will be good enough, and then when he finally gets the son, he spoils him rotten.

Golden Sprog — This is any child who is overly worshiped by the parents or other family members.

Grandbaby Rabies — When someone is desperate to have grandchildren, we call them having “grandbaby rabies”. Often childfree people have parents like this.

Heir and a spare — People who have two kids in case the first one doesn’t make it or doesn’t live up to their expectations.

Homeskool — Mocking term used to make fun of “homeschooling” by implying those kids don’t learn to spell (or much of anything else). Granted, homeschooling might work in some situations and (at least most of us) are not bashing ALL homeschooling, but we’ve all known total idiots who are barely literate themselves who are (supposedly) homeschooling, or religious nuts who homeschool to keep their kids from learning science or about equal rights for women or minorities. Those are the ones we mock.

IDWIYO — Stands for “It’s different when it’s your own” – a typical breeder bingo we often get. We know it’s bunk, or there wouldn’t be so many children killed or abused by their parents.

Kindercrap — All the toys and things people with kids have laying around their houses and yards.

Kodak Moments — The idea of parenthood that the mainstream media tries to perpetuate. They try to sell people on parenthood by telling them to think of all the good “picture perfect” moments, such as a guy teaching his son to play football or a woman dressing her little girl up in cute clothes. These ideal moments that people visualize are known as Kodak Moments. They are not based in any kind of reality – real parenthood is a lot more shitwork than cutesy moments.

Lil Sizzlers — This is the term for children who are left to die in hot cars by their parents. (Ever notice how the pro-life movement never cares about Lil Sizzlers? You’ll never see them picketing over this!)

Litter — Usually refers to a multiple birth but can also refer to a family with a lot of children. One might refer to the Duggars “litter” — they have 18 kids (so far).

Lowing — Female breeders whining and bitching. Also known as “mooing.”

Martyr Mommy Brigade — This new breed of mommys who crave attention and sympathy so much that they’ll go to any lengths to get it.

MILF — “Mother I’d Like to Fuck.” Originally the term was a joke in a movie, but now it’s a term that unattractive mommies use to describe themselves and their friends to help boost their sagging self-esteems now that they are (generally) overweight and can’t be bothered with showering, brushing their hair or changing out of pajamas before they go shopping.

Mom Logic — This refers to the utter lack of logic displayed by women with kids (likely caused by placenta brain). There is a mommy website called “Mom Logic” that posts such gems as: ” How to get out of having sex by making your husband sleep on toys.” (I’m sure one could make an argument for “Dad logic” too.)

Mombie — Combination of the words Mommy and Zombie. Occasionally used to describe a woman with placenta brain — she’s turned into a “mombie”.

Mommy — Any woman with kids that you just can’t take seriously. I prefer this to the word “moo.” They think of themselves as nothing more than “mommies” so I think we should think of them as nothing more than mommies, too. They aren’t grown women, they aren’t ladies, they are JUST mommies. The don’t even like the term “housewife” because they don’t consider themselves wives — just mommies.

I use this to show how little respect I have for women who consider themselves no more than “mommies”. It’s just as insulting as moo but they aren’t sharp enough to know they are being insulted.

Mommy Mafia — A group of mommies (mostly the unemployed kind) who are banding together to harass and bully any company or group that does anything that slightly displeases them. They will organize boycotts, sit-ins, media interviews and letter writing campaigns to try and force everyone to cater to them. If a woman gets kicked off a plane for letting her kid scream and throw a tantrum? The Mommy Mafia will be there. Some store kicks out a family for causing a huge disturbance? The Mommy Mafia will be there. This group wouldn’t be so dangerous if they didn’t insist that parental irresponsibility and selfishness should be the rule.

Mommy Identity — When a woman’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a mother. She’ll go to great lengths to make her kids totally dependent on her for as long as possible to secure that identity out of fear she’ll have to get a new identity and/or get a job. You must have noticed that these days, more and more mothers trying to diagnose their kids as some form of “special needs” — ADHD, autistic, bi-polar, etc. This is absolutely related to the “Mommy Identity” issue — these women are desperate to keep the kids helpless and dependent on them to avoid ever having to face adult responsibilities. If the kids were “normal” then she might have to grow up and join the rest of the world and get a job or an identity. As long as her kids have something wrong with them, she always uses that as an excuse for her own behavior. Quite honestly, she is a perpetual kid and now she’s raising her children to be a perpetual kids as well. Someone needs to wake up and charge these women with child abuse for intentionally stigmatizing and holding their children back for their own agenda.

(I’m not saying the case for all kids with special needs, but there is a reason why 60% of kids today are “special needs” but in the past only about 10% were.)

Mommy Voice — The voice some breeder women use when they talk to you in a snotty, superior tone as if they were speaking to one of their children. Makes you feel sorry for their kids.

Mommyism — A form of feminism that focuses on getting special rights for mommies and screwing over childfree women and men in the process. Example: Mommies want flextime in the office, but don’t think anyone but them should get it. Mommyism is the opposite of feminism.

Moo — Usually stands for “Mother Obsessed with Offspring” or “Mother Oblivious to Offspring” although sometimes it just means a breeder woman.

Mooing — Female breeders whining and bitching. Also known as “lowing.”

Moovan — Slang term for Minivan.

Mompetition — Competition between mothers.

Mompetitors — Moms who always want to compete and try to one-up everyone.

Nullipara — Woman who has never given birth.

Nulligravida — Woman who has never been pregnant.

Nulligravida — Woman who has never been pregnant.

Oblivamoo — Combination of “oblivious” and “moo” …a clueless mother who is either totally ignoring her child’s bad behavior or is just totally clueless about how to be a parent.

Oops — This is the term for when someone gets pregnant on purpose but pretends it’s an accident. Many guys have this huge paranoia that some woman will “oops” them. It is also possible for a guy to “oops” a woman by sabotaging her birth control.

OPC — Other People’s Children. Obviously for childfree, that means ALL children, but you might see a parent use it on a childfree board or a debate board.

Parent — This is the term we use for good parents (as opposed to breeders).

Placenta Brain — this describes the disease that happens to many women when they have children. Can also happen to men with children. Symptoms of the disease include: talking about nothing but their pregnancy and/or child(ren), losing all hobbies outside of their children, inability to hire a babysitter, lack of consideration for other people, saying really stupid things, and generally just being an idiot. In some cases, this condition clears up when the children all enter school, but in many cases they never recover.

PNB — Stands for “Parent, Not Breeder” – in other words, a good parent, not a shitty parent. As in: “My brother is a PNB”

Prostitot — This is the term for underage kids who are dressed up to be far too sexual. This applies to the 14-year-olds whose parents let them dress like prostitutes, but also applies to toddlers that parents will dress up in inappropriate t-shirts that are suggestive. Breeders shriek that everyone is out to molest their fugly little brats, but then they put T-shirts on their 4-year-olds that say, “I’m going commando!” Ridiculous.

Replacement Value — Replacement value is (theoretically) two children. Many breeders will say they are only having two children, to replace themselves and their spouse, thus THEY aren’t causing overpopulation. They are just in denial.

SAHM, SAHMoo — Stands for “Stay at Home Mom” (or “Stay at Home Moo”) In other words, an unemployed woman with kids. Sometimes pronounced as “Sham” or “Shamu”. Personally I refuse to use this term, as SAHMs do anything BUT stay-at-home, and it’s just a stupid cutesy title for “housewife” or “unemployed, unwed mother”. You can call an ugly duckling a “swan” but it’s still just an ugly duckling. No need to pretend it’s something it’s not.

S-Moo-V — Same thing as Moovan, except it’s an SUV.

SHAM, Sham, Shamu — Just a mocking term for “Stay at Home Mom” (or “Stay at Home Moo”). In other words, unemployed woman with kids or what traditionally is called a “housewife”.

SMUM — Smart, Middle-Class, Uninvolved Mother. Basically, the yuppie, suburbanite mothers.

Snip — Term for getting sterilized, either vasectomy or tubal.

Snowflake — Certain breeders like to think their children are totally unique and special just like snowflakes. Most “snowflakes” are the biggest brats on the planet from having idiot parents tell them how perfect and special they are every day.

Sperm Donor — The father. Sometimes used to describe a man who didn’t want to actually RAISE kids, he just had them for the Kodak Moments or to please the wife. Also used to describe how some women only use men (even their husbands) for their sperm.

Sprog — British word meaning “child”. Some upset breeders are convinced that it’s a derogatory term meaning “brat” or “evil child,” but I consulted three British dictionaries that all told me the same thing: it means “child,” nothing more.

Stork Parking — Any parking that is reserved for pregnant women or women with children. You know, anything that encourages them to get as little exercise as possible. We wouldn’t want our young mothers to be HEALTHY, would we? Stork Parking is mommyist (it supports special treatment for ONLY women with children) but it’s absolutely un-feminist (equating pregnancy to a handicap which it most certainly is not).

SUV Stroller — Any oversized stroller. We’ve all seen them. I saw one that was nearly the size of a Ford Ka (a small, German car). These things are huge. Parents apparently need to overcompensate for shortcomings in other areas by showing they have the largest stroller. Half the time the kid isn’t even in the stroller – they use it for a shopping cart! Wanna know the real reason they use those huge strollers? Shoplifting. They just hide stuff in the stroller and hope the security camera doesn’t catch them! Never trust people with oversized strollers – they are up to no good!

THINKER — Two healthy incomes, no kids, early retirement.

Tit Nazi — Overzealous breeders who are obsessed with breastfeeding in public, and yelling and screaming at people about how “breast is best,” bullying other women into breastfeeding, demanding special treatment at work or school, and bullying businesses into relaxing their public decency laws to allow them to whip their tits out in public. Beware of the tit-nazis – they are a very angry bunch with too much time on their hands.

THJITW– Stands for “The Hardest Job in the World” – Mantra of the unemployed mothers to make themselves feel less insecure about their unemployed, not-contributing-to-the-system status. If they weren’t so insecure, they wouldn’t need to claim they are superior to everyone else. Personally, I can think of a lot harder jobs than sitting at home with your own kids (whom you supposedly love) and surfing the internet – like watching someone else’s bratty kids that you don’t like and aren’t allowed to discipline or scold in any way. So apparently there ARE harder jobs in the world – such as being a daycare provider!

TMIJITW — Stands for “The Most Important Job in the World”. Mantra of unemployed mothers to make themselves feel less insecure about their unemployed, not-contributing-to-the-system status. If they weren’t so insecure, they wouldn’t need to claim they are superior to everyone else. Most of these women couldn’t last a day without disposable diapers, DVD players, the internet, and their monster-sized strollers, so apparently there ARE more important jobs in the world – like the people making disposable diapers, DVD players, strollers and running the internet.

TOFAS — Stands for “Too Old For A Stroller” — we’re all seen those kids that are four or five (or older!) who are too lazy to walk and their parental units give in to this behavior and wheel them around like royalty.

TTC — Breeder term that stands for “Trying To Conceive”. Occasionally you’ll see this term on a CF board when quoting or mocking a breeder.

Troll — Someone who hangs out on a website just to pick fights. On a childfree board, it would be any breeder person who is bored and joins CF boards to insult and belittle everyone and to proclaim their kids are perfect. In some cases, the breeder troll will start out playing nice, but eventually lash out at everyone. Someone did a beautiful essay on the six stages of breeder trolls, and you can find that here.

Villagers — Breeders are always talking about how it “takes a village” to raise a child and how the “villagers” should help them out. What they mean by “villagers” is anyone who doesn’t have kids, because they feel that since they have children, they shouldn’t have to do anything for anyone outside their family. In other words, WE (the childfree) are the villagers. Doesn’t that make them the village idiots?

WAHM, WAHD — Work at home mother or father. We use the word “work” here loosely. Mostly it’s just an excuse to sit at home and play with the kids while not really getting anything done. (Admittedly there are SOME who can pull it off, but they are few and far between.)

Wannabreed, Wannabreeder — Anyone who wants kids, but for whatever reason doesn’t have them. Infertility, age, or inability to get a partner, etc.

Wallet — Usually used to describe the husband of a SAHM. She uses him as nothing more than a paycheck. Also could be used to describe someone paying child support.

Weekend Dad — Term for part-time fathers, specifically the ones who think they deserve a metal for spending time with their children. “Weekend dads” are obnoxious about using their kids to get attention and sympathy from other women. They total baby-stalkers. Yes, some non-custodial fathers are good dads, in which case this term doesn’t apply to them. We’re talking about the ones who don’t care about quality time with the kids. They just shove some McDonald’s at the kid, plop the kids in front of a Disney movie and then go back to whatever they’d rather be doing. They seem to only take the kids because they don’t want to look like a lousy father to the women they are trying to pick up.

Womban — Technically, any woman who has at least one kid, although more specifically used to describe gals with kids that want “special rights” to go along with that. Basically, this term is used when you don’t want to malign the whole female gender — just the ones who are the problem. The plural is “Womben”.

Yup Moo — Yuppie or middle class mommies who think they and their kids are superior to all the “peons” in the world. Their children truly are nothing but accessories and they take the kids everywhere to show them off, and they over schedule them with lots of extracurricular activities to show off their “unique” talents. Yup Moos love tell you about all the things THEY would never lower themselves to do, to prove they are far superior to others. You’ll need a barf bag to be in the same room as one.