I had a run in with a couple of insecure mommies this week. These gals know a childfree friend of mine, but the term “frenemies” seems to apply here. Normally I wouldn’t dredge out all this drama, but it highlights something I’ve been saying for a while now about angry moms who lash out at the childfree.
My friend (we’ll call her Jane) was having a few issues with some people from high school who had found her on Facebook. I don’t know the specifics but apparently feathers were ruffled all around. (This is why you don’t add people from high school that you haven’t seen or heard from in years to your Facebook accounts! If you haven’t seen or heard from them in umpteen years, there is a good reason — they are not worth knowing!! Let this be a lesson to you all!)
Some of these people got upset with Jane over her childfree views and started staking out the childfree sites she’d post on (like this one) for stuff to use against her and throw back in her face. (And remember that, too, next time some mommy tells you how hard and time consuming motherhood is — how hard could it be if they have time to stalk childfree sites in attempts to harass their “friends”?!)
Jane recently wrote a blog post complaining about some of these problems. What I got out of Jane’s post was that these gals had been sending her emails pretending like they still wanted to be friends and still liked her, but were being condescending to her about her life choices and saying a lot of hurtful things to her. To be fair, I might have misunderstood what Jane was writing, but this was my understanding of her post.
In the comments I did what everyone does in their friends’ journals: I posted a sympathetic comment. Of course I didn’t know the whole story, that’s what friends (unlike frenemies) DO — they lend support to their friends based on their friends version of the story! That’s how friendshipworks.
I meant what I said, which was (paraphrased):
People who play those types of games with the implied (or outright) put-downs in them are insecure. They want you to know they feel sorry for you because they’ve become convinced *you* feel sorry for *them* and they can’t stand it.
Obviously I was talking in generalizations because I don’t know the whole story or the people in question, but *in general* my comment stands.
Both these frenemies of Jane’s started foaming at the mouth over ZOMG YOU CALLED US INSECURE and ZOMG YOU DON’T KNOW ME PHEONA!1!! (Angry mommies *always* misspell my name, even when it’s right in front of them, as if proving THEY can’t spell hurts me somehow. *snicker*) After peppering me with put-downs (thus proving Jane’s side of the story was true) they rattled off their measurements, how much time they spend at the gym and their (almost) advanced college degrees to me to PROVE they have nothing to be insecure about. They insisted that they are wonderful, smart, cute and fit so they can’t possibly be insecure!!!1!!1!
Um…. What further proof did I need that they were insecure? They made my case for me.
I never suggested they were awful, stupid, ugly and fat. Unless they think the word “insecure” means “awful, stupid, ugly and fat” in which case, they are, at the very least, stupid. You can be insecure about a lot of things, and it’s not necessarily about your looks or your advanced college degrees (or lack thereof). And for the record, even some of the richest, smartest, prettiest, most successful people in the world are insecure about something. Why do you think there are so many shrinks and plastic surgeons in Hollywood?
These women informed me that of course I’d be infuriated if, as a pet owner, I read that someone else said that all pet owners were “brainless dimwits,” just as they are infuriated that childfree people insist all mothers are “breeders”. These rocket scientists informed me that when we use the word “breeder” we’re really calling them animals.
As far as my fury over insults about being a pet owner: I’m a cat owner, and I’ve known people my whole life who have told me, “Did you get rid of your cats yet? Cats are stupid and filthy and I hate them and if you were smart you’d get rid of them.” I have a sister and my husband has a brother who love to insult us about our cats, laugh and tell us about stories they read in the news about cats being harmed, and remind us they’ll never visit us as long as we have cats. Guess what? I’m not furious. In fact, as long as my cats act as relative-repellent, I’m keeping them!!
I’ll bet at least 35% of my regular readers think I’m stupid for having cats, and guess what? I don’t care! You are more than welcome to start a website that says, “Pheona’s stupid because she has cats!” and I would probably laugh my ass off over it! I most certainly would not have to run over to that website and insist I’m NOT stupid and tell you how perfectly wonderful, beautiful, highly educated and rich I am to disprove your theory that I’m stupid. I’m not insecure, I have nothing to prove, and your opinion of me does not change who I am.
I don’t care if you think I’m a 4′ 6″, 700-pound, transvestite Satanist who has so much body hair people mistake me for a Sasquatch or that my face is so ugly it gives small children nightmares and that I’ve got 900 years of bad luck because every mirror I look into breaks. I don’t care if you think I’m a 7th grade drop-out who is incredibly stupid and that I’ve never worked a day in my life because I’m a lazy bum who just milks the welfare system. I don’t care if you think I’m homeless living in a cardboard box behind the food shelter, that I’m a drunken drug addict or that I’m mentally ill and shouldn’t be allowed to vote. I don’t care if you think I’m a convict writing this from behind bars at the maximum security prison. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitter, barren shrew who wanted to adopt but was rejected and now I only write this website because I’m just jealous other people can get pregnant or adopt.
I KNOW what I am. I know the great things about me and I know the shitty things about me. I think I’m more self-aware than most people, and perhaps that’s why I’m notinsecure. NOTHING you can say or think about me makes me any more or less than what I already am.
So if I’m stupid, you saying I’m stupid doesn’t make me MORE stupid. But if I’m not stupid, you saying I’m stupid doesn’t make me any less smart! Get it? I have no need to argue with you about whether or not I’m stupid because… I’m not insecure about your opinion of me.
My saying you’re a breeder or insecure doesn’t make you any more or less of a breeder or an insecure twit than you already are.
Since the two of you (I know you’re reading this, even though you claim you “so over” me (“When were you under me?”)) are supposedly raising kids (I know you have them, I just don’t know if you actually have time for them, what with all this internet drama you create, stroking your own egos, all the time you claim to spend at the gym, in college classes and supposedly working full-time, too), you’d better fucking learn that bolded part above so you can, hopefully, someday teach it to your kids so that when they grow up, they won’t have to play these stupid, childish games.
For the record, going around telling everyone that this and every other site says that ALL women with children are hopeless, moronic breeders doesn’t make it true by a long shot. You can keep saying it, but people smarter than you will actually come here (and other sites) to verify your claims and see you are lying. Oh, and insecure.